Wednesday, October 30, 2013

me: an aquarian, freedom seeking, introvert

this would be me.  freedom seeker.

don't tie me down.  don't box me in.  and if you do, i'll surely run for the hills.  far.  far.  away.  

being an aquarian with a sever case of eleutheromania with a dash of introversion makes for very interesting relationships, especially with my husband and kids.  they continuously want to keep me in this neat little box, and i'm constantly fighting for my space.  i love my family to my core, at the same time, i have a very difficult time giving them the time and dedication they need from me.  

it can feel so suffocating.  

have you ever been in the subway, when it's stalled mid-tunnel.  and you're in the dark.  and the train hasn't moved for the last 7 minutes... and slowly that sick feeling in your stomach starts to happen, and you get this lump in your throat like you're going to choke.  and you start looking around at other people trying to seek out the kindest looking person who you can turn to in case you need help.  and at that exact point, the walls start closing in on you, and everything gets blurry and you're ready to rip open the doors and run down those scary, dark tunnels just to get your bloody self out of that trap.  

well, that's how i can feel when i don't get my space.  i want my husband and kids in my life.  i just don't want to to be a wife and a mom ALL of the time.  

dom now understands my manias and tries to accommodate me as much as possible.  but, you know, there are times like last night where i just wanted to run.  to escape without anyone noticing.  dinner had to be made, school work had to be started, dishes needed cleaning, showers, lunches for the next day, school clothes prepared, ugh...   the banality, 'che maudite vie plate'.  when all was done, i crawled into bed, and hid under the covers for the rest of the night praying for hawk to come scoop me up and take me away.

if you've been reading my blog, you know by now my escape is my painting.  it allows me time to be in my own head space.  to think, to mull, to dream.  to be as i am without any demands.  a place to be still with my thoughts, my paints, my own self.  for intermittent short periods of time to be free to sink into myself and to reconnect with the self that makes me, me.  to remind myself that i don't have to live in a 'box', that i can do this, that i can exist within a family without feeling like a crazed tied up maniac.

travelling around the country going to art classes, meeting up with friends around the globe, and being on my own, doing my 'thang, is a life saver for me.  at first i was feeling guilty over leaving for a week at a time to squam, or artfest, or random arts...  but a good artist friend of mine reminded me that it's good for the kids to see their mommy happy, and being independent and doing the things she loves to do.  and indeed she's right.  right?  when i come back home, i'm recharged, refuelled, and ready to tackle being a wife and mom again.  and so the cycle goes...

tettering on a very precarious balance between duty (life), fun (family), and independence (self).  

a wobbly tightrope indeed.


Flowrsinher Hair said...

wow - I just love this post so much! I'm also a Feb baby and your words sum it up beautiful! I thought it was just me… :-) I do believe taking the away gaps and the painting time - ultimately makes us better mothers and wives!!

And at the same time - they have so many reasons to be proud of your achievements!!!

I say go for it!

Beautiful honest post! <3

Patricia said...

Wow, Francesca! THIS was one of the deepest posts I have read of yours. Totally get this! even after the kids are out of the house there is still that sense of having to take care of someone else. Reading for me is like art for you...if I can't travel or connect with friends I MUST read to preserve my sanity when I am within these four walls. Oh, and bake. Which is why with no travel and no oven these past few months I have been a raging banshee indeed. Much love, wild hawk mama. Was that you I saw in the tree as I walked towards the harbor early this Friday morning?