Wednesday, October 30, 2013

me: an aquarian, freedom seeking, introvert

this would be me.  freedom seeker.

don't tie me down.  don't box me in.  and if you do, i'll surely run for the hills.  far.  far.  away.  

being an aquarian with a sever case of eleutheromania with a dash of introversion makes for very interesting relationships, especially with my husband and kids.  they continuously want to keep me in this neat little box, and i'm constantly fighting for my space.  i love my family to my core, at the same time, i have a very difficult time giving them the time and dedication they need from me.  

it can feel so suffocating.  

have you ever been in the subway, when it's stalled mid-tunnel.  and you're in the dark.  and the train hasn't moved for the last 7 minutes... and slowly that sick feeling in your stomach starts to happen, and you get this lump in your throat like you're going to choke.  and you start looking around at other people trying to seek out the kindest looking person who you can turn to in case you need help.  and at that exact point, the walls start closing in on you, and everything gets blurry and you're ready to rip open the doors and run down those scary, dark tunnels just to get your bloody self out of that trap.  

well, that's how i can feel when i don't get my space.  i want my husband and kids in my life.  i just don't want to to be a wife and a mom ALL of the time.  

dom now understands my manias and tries to accommodate me as much as possible.  but, you know, there are times like last night where i just wanted to run.  to escape without anyone noticing.  dinner had to be made, school work had to be started, dishes needed cleaning, showers, lunches for the next day, school clothes prepared, ugh...   the banality, 'che maudite vie plate'.  when all was done, i crawled into bed, and hid under the covers for the rest of the night praying for hawk to come scoop me up and take me away.

if you've been reading my blog, you know by now my escape is my painting.  it allows me time to be in my own head space.  to think, to mull, to dream.  to be as i am without any demands.  a place to be still with my thoughts, my paints, my own self.  for intermittent short periods of time to be free to sink into myself and to reconnect with the self that makes me, me.  to remind myself that i don't have to live in a 'box', that i can do this, that i can exist within a family without feeling like a crazed tied up maniac.

travelling around the country going to art classes, meeting up with friends around the globe, and being on my own, doing my 'thang, is a life saver for me.  at first i was feeling guilty over leaving for a week at a time to squam, or artfest, or random arts...  but a good artist friend of mine reminded me that it's good for the kids to see their mommy happy, and being independent and doing the things she loves to do.  and indeed she's right.  right?  when i come back home, i'm recharged, refuelled, and ready to tackle being a wife and mom again.  and so the cycle goes...

tettering on a very precarious balance between duty (life), fun (family), and independence (self).  

a wobbly tightrope indeed.

Sunday, October 27, 2013

self portraits

saturdays class was great.   we finished off our portraits from the previous week.  getting the mannequins in the same spot, with the same lighting was a little challenging but we got close.  i desperately wanted to get rid of the two heads in the background, but paul insisted i keep them but make them farther off into the background so it didn't compete with the main image.

note to self: it's much more fun and animated when working with live models, not mannequins.  that was kinda disappointing.  but it is what it is.

self portrait, oil painting, monochromatic oil painting
my oil piece finished in class.  getting that skull look round was challenging.  more practice required.  

self portrait, oil painting, portraiture, painting
work in progress, self portrait, oils on canvas paper, first layer

i will be painting more self portraits.  capturing 'moments' of myself 'in the moment'.

i want to know if how i imagine myself in my head is really how i look on the outside.  what i imagine in my head isn't necessarily what is true in reality.  we all look in the mirror and see what we want to see.  but when you have to sit and stare at yourself, and paint your portrait, you have to paint what you see, all of it.  the reality of it.  painting what you see with no creative license to make changes.  painting simply what is.  me in the raw. unlike any self portrait aka selfie taken with smartphones these days...  setting up the shot so people see you how you wish them to see you.

after painting this first layer, i didn't realize how sad i look when i'm not smiling.  my eyes look heavy and my lips make a serious curve down at the edges.

the more i paint.  the more i want to paint.   i even paint when i'm dreaming.  is that weird?

Friday, October 25, 2013

misty scott and milt, oh my

remember my one little word of intention for the year:  forward.  well, yes, i'm moving forward in many fronts.  and it's feeling really good.  there was a time, when forward was too fast... making my head spin. but these days forward is feeling really good.

so much to tell you:

september 2013, random arts with misty mawn
i started off my adventure driving to virginia with my family.  misty invited me to stay at her place before driving up to north carolina.  my family dropped me off and i had a wonderful visit with her and her very sweet family.  i got to throw some clay on her potting wheel, in her potting studio, and got a tour of her painting studio (oh my), it was such a thrill for me.  she's like a superstar in my world, so you can imagine how excited i was. we then drove to north carolina (6 hr drive), and i nearly puked in her car... what a nightmare, i was so embarassed, but she stopped on the side of the road just in time for me to stick my head out the window to upchuck into the ditch.  ugh.  car sickness.  too much driving.  but we then finally made it to phyllis' house where we spent the rest of the weekend.  random arts is exactly as it looks like on their website.  small, cute and intimate.  the class was so much fun, and phyllis, our host was super gracious (as were husband bob and furry baby daisy).  all in all it was a brilliant trip one i'm glad i took.

see i told ya it looks exactly like it does on the website

me, misty, phyllis, kate

miss ruby getting into mischief in mistys painting studio

working large, on the floor

the ever ms gracious phyllis

october 2013, oil painting fundamentals, at OCAD with scott sawtell
my second OCAD painting class.  thrilled to be spending time in the studio painting for a full three hours of uninterrupted time.  nothing makes me feel more alive than when in the studio. i'm infatuated with painting with oils and am determined to start using it more and more in my paintings.

painting studio, oil painting
in the painting studio at OCAD, with our mannequins as models

self portrait, ocad, oil painting
this was my version of our monochromatic oil painting

and last but not least

march 2014, figurative painting, at scottsdale artists' school (scottsdale, arizona), with milt kobayashi
OMG.  i'm terrifed of this class.  it's for intermediate/advanced artists, which i don't yet consider myself, but i'm taking it anyway.  i love the way this man paints.  big patches of colour, tone on tone, bright lights.  i was instantly and immediately in love with his work the minute i laid eyes on it.  so happy i ran into his work.  so, yes, i better brush up on my oil painting skills so i can kick some ass in this class.

oil painting, portrait, scottsdale artist school,
milt kobayashi

oil painting, portrait, scottsdale artist school
milt kobayashi
so, moving forward, above and beyond my wildest dreams.  dreams really do come true.


Wednesday, October 16, 2013

it's been a while

 getting back into painting.  working larger.  trying new things.  loving the process of creating.

acrylic, soft pastels, gold leaf, ink, on watercolour paper

these two pieces sat on my wall waiting to be completed for about 2 weeks.  i just didn't know what i wanted to do with them until finally.  it happened.  inspiration struck and bham, they were finished.

gouache, soft pastel, acrylic, gold leaf (on her crown), on watercolour paper

and i just realized i haven't yet posted any pics from my time in virginia and north carolina, and my time spent with misty and phyllis at random arts.  must do that soon.