Monday, April 1, 2013

hello april

hello april.  so happy to see you.

this weekend was big in many ways:

1.  it was our first holiday without my mom.  not sure how i made it through this easter without her.  it was so sad.  i found myself moping around the whole time feeling like i was supposed to be at my moms enjoying our easter lunch and the kids creating chaos as usual.  her physical absence was a hard reality.  oh for just one more hug.  one last conversation.  i've made a firm hard decision to be away on vacation this coming christmas.  i'd rather be on a beach far away from home, rather than feeling her absence yet again for another big family get-together.  life just isn't the same without her.  visiting family made it especially hard, particularly seeing them all together and enjoying life as 'usual'.  made me feel so empty.

my mom's older sister, Zia Lucia (and her daughters)

2.  my moms house is up for sale.  it's been a flurry of activity since it's gone up on the market. the house is getting lots of action and attention, which I hope is a good sign for us.  this weekend was open house.  i went to the neighbours house across the street on saturday to spy on the goings-on.  seeing the 'for sale' sign and watching literally 200+ strangers tromp through my moms house and taking pictures, and waltzing through the backyard, was such an emotional roller coaster for me.  first it was horrifying and sad to see all this happening, and yet it was exciting that there was so much interest and potentially really good offers to come...  i was up and down all weekend.  i have to remind myself it's just a house.  a shell where we as a family created memories... and it's the memories i will take and carry with me..  yet it was still very upsetting and surreal.

this was a pic that the house inspector took of one of the upper windows.  do you see anything here?  my brother claims he sees my mother.  

yes.  this first year without her will be very hard on all levels. yes, it sure will be.

being mindful of the good things in my life.  and certainly grateful for many things, like:

the crocus' that i see springing up all over the neighbourhood
the sunny blue skies this weekend
kids coming outside to play again
new neighbours with kids
life sprouting all around me
a husband who does our laundry
ideas for house renos
life, breath,

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