Monday, March 4, 2013

how to make 'forward' slow down

my word of intention i chose for this year was 'forward'.

as in, moving forward from a horrible year.  moving forward from all the grief.  moving forward with a new normal.  moving forward and not hanging onto the past.  moving forward with my goals and aspirations.

somehow, 'forward' has me hanging on by the coattails as we move full speed ahead, running past every stop sign and red light... .full blown forward. like can't catch my breath, forward.

perhaps my word should have been slow.  as in slow down.  breathe.  rest.  pause.  take it all in.  and then move one step forward. one. at. a. time.  so it's not all so bloody overwhelming.

i thought forward would get me through.  but it's not working... time to reevaluate my word.

i need more stillness.  i need more breath.  i need more space.  i need time to ingest it all, let all simmer in my head, so i can make sense of it all. i need time to come to terms with so much change in such a short span of time.

there's been so much change, and shift, and new normals, that i can't seem to adjust.  i feel so disoriented.  most times i feel like the exorcist with my head spinning out of control.

we went from moving offices at work (completely new building and surroundings); new bosses; to saying goodbye to my mom and her belongings; losing my furry baby samson; to renovating my mothers house and my childhood home to prepare for selling...  so much emotion in every single bit of change.

my brother alex working double duty to renovate our childhood home to get ready for selling
universe, if you're listening, i've had enough of change and 'forward' for a lifetime. please slow down and stop throwing me curve balls.

i know.  i know.  buck up.  deal with it.  i'm not the only one.  get over it.  right?

wrong.  not so easy, my friends.

still feel like i haven't had time to grieve properly.  feels like i went from burying my mom, and back to work. there was no in between time to get a grip on it all.  and to cry myself silly if that's what i needed to do.  it was as if it happened (this monumental thing), and then everyone expected me to get back to normal.  to continue on as if nothing happened.  but it has happened.  and it happened to be huge.

remember those gorgeous nails i spent so much time trying to grow....  well they lasted about two months before my moms passing.  they're now gone.  right down to the bone.

stress on too many levels.

1 comment:

Michelle Shopped said...

F$!k getting over it in no takes years, and it's a gradual process...a broken leg can take less time to heal than a broken heart. I saw your word in there -- Pause -- as in pause, as in paws. When my best friend died, I saw her everywhere, felt her everywhere, found her everywhere, and I cried, cried, cried. Same with my mother-in-law, my pooch, and even worse with another unspeakable loss I had when I was that time I cried at work, at home, and always on my drive home from work after my evening shift. Two years of crying on my way home. It takes time, Francesca, and not chronos time but kairos time...time, baby, time...If no one gives it to you, you take it for yourself...XO and much love...