Monday, June 6, 2011

i have a dream

me at work (iphone, instagram app.)

i've been having all kinds of dreams lately.  good dreams.  dreams that are new to me which are catching me off guard.  i'm feeling a shift in my heart and mind with regards to my children, my home, the way we live our life.  this is going to come out all garbled because i haven't had much time to process it all... and if you know me, i need to dwell and process things before i can make any sense out of them. 

i'm starting to think this is what a mid-life crisis feels like. 

i have dreams of no longer living in the city.  i want a quiet life on a farm in the outskirts of the city, with a couple of free roaming chickens, a pig, and hey maybe even a goat or sheep. 

i have dreams of being a stay-at-home mom.  i want to pick my children up from school, and make their lunches. i no longer want to have to worry about daycare, and nannies and wonder what they're doing at any time of the day.  are they being loved, are they being cared for, are they having fun, have they eaten. 

i'm feeling emotional and kinda-wobbly and kinda-off-kilter, for lack of better words.  my compass is skewed and i'm not really sure if i should make that left turn.  or if it'll make any difference.

all this emotion.  why?  sparked by a new search for a nanny.  our beloved dearhearts daycare is closing and the fear of making the 'wrong' choice, or better yet, the pressure to make the 'right' choice.

3 comments:

Mandy said...

It is wonderful being at home with them...I going through a similar feeling..I hone school jacob..but I am feeling the urge to homeschooling twin SIS ad well..I want tonite miss a moment...they are growing so quickly...before I know it they'll be teens...we live on one wage and it is tough....and I often miss work....being a teacher can be so rewarding...but teaching my own kids..even better!..good luck with your decision....don't know if you remember me..my little guy gets life threatening croup. Take care...xxx

Francesca Di Leo said...

Hi Mandy! so nice to hear from you, of course I remember you. Hope you and your family are doing well. It's such a hard decision for us women to make. The urge to wanna be a mom at home, or go back to work. So many things to consider, it's mind boggling. As the kids grow up, every time I blink they're older, the more I feel the need to slow down and enjoy them and living a simpler life so I can do just that. Now to convince the hubby..!! that's a whole other ball game..
keep well,
F.

gillianleesmith said...

Oh Francesca I love your honesty here and your open-ness. Dreams can and do come true and I shall be holding you in my thoughts as I am sure it is a difficult decision - whatever you decide though, I wish you the very very best - for you and your family... Your description of your dream is beautiful - I think for many people, particularly those that are creative, that there is a real shift in priorities happening, a desire for a simpler more fulfilling life without all the 'stuff' that we are 'expected' to have....

Thank you so much too for your continued encouragement and thoughtful comments my friend - it is so much appreciated x x x