everything carries me to you

painting is the perfect calling for me.  it allows me time to indulge in my own imagination, to run away without actually leaving home, and give me time to breathe;  in silence, with my own thoughts.  nothing is more appealing to me than that moment, when you lose yourself, becoming one with your brush and nothing else exists.  being pulled out of your trance by interruptions is so disturbing when you're in the zone making the reentry so hard.

i figure if i wasn't called to paint, i'd probably be a writer.  another very solitary way to revel in imagination and play, and getting lost in words.... words like these, by pablo neruda (1904 - 1973)

If You Forget Me

I want you to know

one thing.

You know how this is:

if I look

at the crystal moon, at the red branch

of the slow autumn at my window, 

if I touch

near the fire

the impalpable ash

or the wrinkled body of the log,

(and here's that part that speaks to me, i know this feeling well ::))

everything carries me to you,

as if everything that exists, 

aromas, light, metals, 

were little boats

that sail

toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,

if little by little you stop loving me

I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly

you forget me

do not look for me,

for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad, 

the wind of banners

that passes through my life,

and you decide

to leave me at the shore

of the heart where I have roots,

remember

that on that day,

at that hour,

I shall lift my arms

and my roots will set off

to seek another land.

But

if each day,

each hour,

you feel that you are destined for me

with implacable sweetness,

if each day a flower

climbs up to your lips to seek me,

ah my love, ah my own,

in me all that fire is repeated,

in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,

my love feeds on your love, beloved,

and as long as you live it will be in your arms

without leaving mine.

funny that it took me so long to realize i'm not shy, i'm just an introvert.



i can get up in front of a classroom and give a speech like no other, rather i choose not to...  and that's why painting and writing appeal to me.  it's a solitary activity that requires nobody but me.

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i didn't realize how very much of an introvert i was until i went to north carolina to be with some friends and take a class.  being with people all day in a tiny classroom, and then going out to dinner with lots of people i hardly knew, and having to socialize all day was absolutely killing me.  i couldn't excuse myself because there wasn't any place else to go.  i remember sitting at the dinner table with about 15 lovely women at a nice restaurant, and there was lots of chatting and laughing and drinking wine and making merry.... and the entire while, i was planning my escape.  how the hell do i get outta here.  the talking and the laughing became so incredibly loud, that everything became a blur.  at that point i just totally zoned out thinking of all the other things i would have rather been doing.

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i'm sure the ladies thought i was a snob, or socially inept, or worse.  but it wasn't anything against any one, but for the fact i had had too much talking, and socializing for one day, and just needed time to retreat.  it was no wonder i was getting wicked headaches.

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being an introvert doesn't mean i don't like being social.  I like to be social.... for a little while, but i also really love getting back home to be still.  i hate the feeling of having to be 'on' all the time.  i find it so fucking exhausting, mentally and physically.

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oh but nothing kills me more then when people ask me, 'are you ok?  are you sure?', or 'come on cheer up, smile'. huhhhh...  who said i was unhappy... or that something was wrong.

and please... please don't ask me to small talk.  haaaaate small talk.  so pointless and boring.  if i don't have anything interesting to say to you than i won't say it.  that's all.  i'm not being rude, or arrogant i just don't want to waste either of our energy on the banality of small talk.

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i really dislike, like most introverts,  having to explain myself.

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i am what i am.

it is what it is.

whatever it is.

got it?

the art of truth

i'm becoming a social media snob.  there.  i've said it.

and i don't give a fuck, really.

i'm just getting  nauseated of seeing so much crap on all these social media platforms.  really folks, why is it (and i'm fully guilty of this), that as soon as we finish a project, and even if it's a work in progress, and even if the work sucks, do we have this inordinate fascination with posting it to social media... as if to say, 'look what i can do, isn't it grand'.  we have this excessive self-love of what we're producing and then proceed to prostitute via the web.  is it not sickening?  am i the only one who is really getting so sick and tired of all the self love and promotion?

i think i may be becoming a bit of a snob.  or perhaps i've always been a snob.  there are some really, truly talented artists out there who don't post their work, but post links to their openings, and shows, but you don't see them posting works as they're creating them.  they keep them close and release only the works that they feel represents their best work...  i have such a deep admiration and respect for those artists.

i'm the first to say that i've been guilty of this egocentrism.  before you send your hate mail, let me say it again, I'M THE FIRST TO SAY I'M GUILTY OF THIS excessive need for self-promotion. i was lured and sucked into the social media vortex.

perhaps i thought it necessary early in my artistic journey because i needed the confidence boost.  i needed to hear my 'friends' 'liked' it.  i needed some kind of permission, or approval, or encouragement, whatever you wanna call it to keep going.  but really folks, how many times have i 'liked' something that i truly did not. how many times have you done that?  let's be real here.

in hindsight, i would have started my journey differently.  i would have started a fb group with real live friends, and post my work to them if i really wanted sincere and constructive criticism.  i would have taken professional classes sooner. i would NOT have posted so much crap to social media...  god i have so much crap of my work out there. a lot of it was experimentation; it was about growth, and learning, and morphing into the artist i'm still working on becoming.  i want to show a body of work, not just bits and bobs to solicit likes.  i want to create real and meaningful work without having to 'sell' it to the fb world in order for it to be seen.

so much change required in the days to come in how i present myself as an artist.

so much passion to release into my work.

redefining my truth.

sewing fundamentals

this is where i'll be this sunday

you know i've always wanted to learn to sew.  my mom was a master seamstress, however, she never had the patience to teach me.  so i'm finally taking the plunge and going for it.  i've broken a couple of sewing machines already, the first was threaded wrong (damn that bobbin thingi), and the 2nd, well, who knows what happened to it, but the needle wouldn't go all the way down anymore.  !!!!!

so, i'm just praying that i don't break one of their machines cause god knows i don't want to have to pay for another broken machine.  oy.

a headband.

a zippered pouch.

and a pillow.

how hard could this possibly be?

i'll soon find out.

wish me luck.

POST-EDIT :  people can i just say i love the janome 625E machine.  it is sweet and easy to use.   no bobbin malfunctions, easy to thread...oh my.  i'll be sewing everything in sight in the next few weeks. sewed up a french seam, 1/2" seam, wide and narrow zig zag stitches.  best class i've ever taken.. :))))

sunday

the weather on sunday was gloomy, and the house was quiet (dom took the kids out to give me some time to paint).  they did this.

at the mad italian gelato joint on college street. **  if you're local, you need to visit this place **

for me,  it was the kind of day to stay in pj's, blast the music, and pull out the paints.

8" x 10", acrylic on canvas

and that's exactly what i did. she's not quite finished yet, but almost.  for this one i used acrylics rather than oil so the drying time is really quick.  really can't wait to give this a glaze and then paint over top with oils.  lets see how far i can push this without destroying it.  :))

slowly but surely getting closer to how i want to paint.  ira glass was right about putting the 10, 000 hours in.

grisaille alla rembrandt

i had this image in my head.  and i've been dying to paint it for a while now. last night i stayed up late to release it.  as you know, my palette is always quite dark with strong lights.  i shy away from too much colour and love the earth tones, the umbers, and siena, and yellow ochers, alizarin, and paynes grey, with touches of titanium white.  my painting are moody, and atmospheric..  

oil on canvas, 8" x 10"

yet. still not quite where i want to be in how they're executed.  so to help me out i'm taking this oil painting class at ocad.   and it's been helpful.  however, nothing has been more helpful than visiting some of the works of the old masters.  

i figure why recreate the wheel and try to figure this thing out on my own...  i'll just visit some of rembrandt's work, to see how he did it.  my palette is very similar to this, as is my love of dark darks and bright lights...  his portraits just glow, absolutely rich and vibrant in a beautifully dimmed atmosphere..  

i've learned he started off with a monochromatic (mixtures of black and white), otherwise known as a grisaille.  then he'd glaze over it...

so my friends... i'm sure as hell no rembrandt, nor will i ever be... but gonna give this a try.

let's see how this goes.

holiday in the hood

yup.  will be selling some of my handmade journals and art at the local holiday in the hood craft fair.  ::)))))

self portrait

16" x 20" oil on canvas paper, work in progress
self portrait 1

“We have to dare to be ourselves, however frightening or strange that self may prove to be.” 

― May Sarton